


I'm not perfect

by sunsetsuho



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Langst, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, TW: Self Harm, Triggers, Unrequited!Hance, and he's hurt, wow lance is an idiot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-09-20 22:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9518519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetsuho/pseuds/sunsetsuho
Summary: Lance doesn't belong.After being in space for months, Lance has finally reached his breaking point.





	1. Drifting

**Author's Note:**

> note that this fic shows self-harm! i do not recommend reading if it might trigger you.

****

Lance doesn’t belong.

 

Staring at the stars surrounding him, watching as they each passed by, Lance… was tired. He took this moment to cool down for a second, to relax his cheek muscles. He wasn’t in the mood for smiling. Usually, sitting out there, he would take a moment and just relax. He loved space. Enough so that he joined the Garrison. However, to him, there was something different between a love for space and a love for living in it. This wasn’t… home. This wasn’t sitting in the dining room, with a hot cup of _abuelita_ , listening to the racket of the two younger kids in the family.

Being in space wasn’t all that amazing.  At least not to Lance. It was quiet. There wasn’t any childish banter, no nerf gun wars, no noogies. There wasn’t any skinship, not like what he was used to. Sure, Hunk gives him hugs when he needs it, but he misses the cuddles he would have on the couch with Josie, the youngest. She was so small, but warm. It always made him so warm, fuzzy inside, knowing he was going to be watching this small young girl grow up to be someone amazing.

But. He didn’t know if he was really going to be able to watch her grow up now, would he? Nibbling on his bottom lip, he tried to calm his breathing. Maybe they already pronounced him dead. Who knows how long it’s been? Months, a year? What about his scholarship to attend the school? Has it been terminated? What about Mamá? Did they have a memorial for him? Tears were  gathering at the edges of his eyes as he began to think of all of the possibilities. The what-ifs. His siblings, especially Josie, at the age of three, would they remember him when he came back? _If_ he came back.

Looking at the stars was no longer comforting, instead it was suffocating. He might be stuck here for years before they’ve defeated Zarkon. He wasn’t… He didn’t want that. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he stood up quickly. His shoulders felt heavy, but as usual, he placed his normal, casual grin as he passed through the doors and into the hallways. _Be casual. Be casual. Just ask like you usually do._

Of course Lance knew he was flirtatious, and a complete and utter joke. He knew himself better than anyone else. He knew the heaviness in his heart wasn’t something normal. But really? What could he do? Go to a _Space Therapist_? Talk to Coran or Allura? He was… going to be fine. Say a few pick-up lines here, a few jokes at his own expense there, and voila, he’ll be back to normal.

 

\------

Lance is not back to normal.

He’s  inconsistent in his ability, including in long range attacks, which is his own specialty. It’s gotten to the point where even Keith has noticed that something wrong is happening to him.

“What the fuck, man?” Keith is in his face. Lance had a clear shot at the practice drone they were fighting against, but his hands shook. He hadn’t been able to take the shot, instead missing the drone by inches. He was the team’s sharpshooter, he should have been able to make the shot. And Keith knew that too. In the background, he heard Allura command the robot to turn off. “This isn’t the time to slacking off. The Galra could be here at any moment and you’re here not _focusing_ , like this is just some fucking game!”

Oh. Is that what they see him as?

Lance stared as he took in this information. He suppose it wasn’t that big of a surprise. Not really. After all, he did constantly joke around, starting a stupid competition out of everything, even when it was something trivial. “I am _focusing_!”  He responded vehemently, frowning deeply. He _was_ focusing. He just. He wasn’t in his top form, today. “I had a rough night, alright?! I’ll do better-“

“Do better next time?! Lance, when we’re fighting the Galra, there will be no next time! This crap has been happening way too much recently. Maybe if you weren’t such a shit fighter-“

“Alright! That’s enough.” Shiro called out, his face showing his distress in the situation. “Lance, Keith, go take a breather. We’ve been going at this for a while. Let’s take a break.” Shiro looked tired - he probably was, with how much Keith and Lance fought- and walked over to the side of the room to grab a drink of water. Keith had marched off once Shiro had but in.

Even if Shiro had stepped in, the damage was done. With the way that he hadn’t tried to defend Lance, just like the others hadn’t, meant that… this must be true. Finally hearing a confirmation of what he’s been thinking of himself all this time… it was relieving. At least that meant he wasn’t completely stupid. All of those nights having small panic attacks, being able to help himself, feeling himself slip away. He wasn’t going crazy. Maybe he just wasn’t meant for this.

He wasn’t able to move from his spot, rooted there as he was stuck in his thoughts. He knew this moment was coming, after all, he hadn’t been doing his best, even when everyone else was doing theirs. Lance’s eyes scanned the room, looking for a small way to escape. Pidge was off in a corner of the training room, fidgeting and working with a small device.

“Lance-”

Turning his head to Hunk, who had a worried look on his face, like he always did when things like this happened, he smiled as best as he could. The look on Hunk’s face only looked more worried. It wasn’t much of a secret that him and Hunk were close friends, and it would never be a secret. The only secret between them was the affection that exceeded being friends that Lance had for the other boy. And now, knowing what Hunk really thought about him, it really hurt.

“Hey, it’s okay, Hunk. He’s right anyway. I haven’t been focusing like I usually do. That wasn’t fair to you guys. I really am a shitty-”

“Lance. Come on buddy, you know he wasn’t being serious about-”

“You know he was! Hunk, everyone can see that I’m just an egotistical idiot who has no talent! I’m the fifth, no seventh wheel around here. I’m a nuisance and I will _never_ be important in this team!” Finally. He finally voiced out his opinions about himself, his insecurities, the things he _knew_ , and everyone else knew too. “I’m the butt of the joke, and I’ll never be worth much. If Zarkon were to take me away, the team wouldn’t be any different. Possibly even better!” Lance felt his face heat up, his eyes burning even more so. No. He couldn’t start crying right now.

“Are you done?” It was whispered. Hunk looked sad. Like _a kicked puppy in a box_ sad. This. This wasn’t he expected. He expected more rage.

“No. I’m not. I don’t _like_ being here. I don’t like this stupid ship - that tried to kill me, I might add! - and I don’t like anyone here. This stupid ‘save the world!’ mission is only going to get us killed!” _No it’s not. What we’re doing is right. What we’re doing is important._ “ Pidge is never going to find her brother, and every time we stop to look, we almost die! Next time, there probably won’t be an ‘almost’! It’s so stupid!” _No, no, no, Pidge doesn’t deserve this. I don’t mean this._ “ I don’t understand why we can’t accept the fact that Matt is de-” A hand connected with his cheek, sending his head to face another way. The hand hadn’t been flesh-like either. Shiro.

Lance hadn’t even noticed he had closed his eyes, let alone Shiro coming close to him in anger. “Lance. That’s enough.” Lance’s reddened, quite visibly. “I think it’s  best if you go.” Shiro rarely ever sounded pissed, much less this rough to any of them. Lance really fucked up.

Oh. Lance stared dumbly at the anger, disappointment, and resentment that was in everyone’s eyes, written all over their faces. This wasn’t supposed to be what happened. “I-”

Hunk shook his head, turning away from the Cuban boy. “Just go.”

\------

Lance hated himself.

His mind continued to flick back to the events that had happened earlier that day. He hadn’t meant what he had said. He hated how he had started acting overconfident in everything, when he really wasn’t. He hated this habit of his to make everything about him, instead of focusing on the others that needed him. He hated how he was the butt of all of the jokes because of his stupid attitude towards everything. He wasn’t stupid. Though, they truly made him feel like it sometimes. He knew he had to be smart. After all, why else would he have climbed through the ranks at the Garrison? Though, even as a fighter pilot, he wasn’t very good. He knew the instructor was thinking about sending him back down.

Lance hummed softly. He didn’t want these thoughts to come back. He was finally relaxed, on his bed. He had been there since he had left the training room. His cheek still stung. He had deserved that. No one had come to check up on him, however. Lance guessed he deserved that, too.

He doesn’t have the heart to leave the room, anyway.  He’s been laying there for hours, curling in on himself. His heart hurt, much like it usually did, but it was to a different extreme. It _hurt._ More than the slap had hurt, more than when he had been knocked out by an explosion. Lance wondered what he could do to alleviate the pain. His thoughts went back to the Garrison, making both of his wrists itch. Back then he had had pencil sharpeners. Blades.

A spark of remembrance alights in Lance’s mind. His coat. Rushing out of his bed, he stumbled a bit while hurrying to his jacket that was on the floor near the door. Grabbing his jacket, he shuffled through it, looking for it’s secret compartment. Sighing when he finds it, he opens it quickly, smiling sadly as he spots the rolled-up-in-paper blade. Relief filled him. He still had it. His spare.

Realizing he was right in front of the door, he hurried to his bed, blade, although still wrapped up, still in hand.

Pulling his sleeves up, he stared at the old scars. He had been clean for a year now, thanks to Hunk and Pidge. He hummed softly, as he placed the blade on his bronze skin. There were plenty of white lines decorating it, so he figured just one more wouldn’t hurt.

Lance slid the blade against his skin, watching as red bubbled puffed up. He let himself relax against the wall. He was still slightly stiff, however. While he was at it, he conceded, he might as well do one more. Placing the silver blade against his wrist once more, he slid, watching as more blood spilled out. He never cut too deeply. After all, he needed his hands to pilot, and cutting too deeply could lead to nerve damage.

Finally, with his body and mind at ease, he reached  for the bandages that he kept by his bed. (He was a really clumsy person!) Wrapping himself nice and tight, he climbed back into his bed, falling asleep quicker than he had in a month.


	2. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was late! It's also shorter :(( I will

The moment Lance woke up, all he could feel was a tidal wave of regret, making it hard for him to breathe. _Why did I cut? I was doing so well…_ Even if he had decided, in his depression-induced mind, that he needed to cut, all he knew is that Hunk and Pidge would be so disappointed in him. Pidge had been one of the reason’s Lance stopped cutting. They were much younger than Lance but they are composed in even the toughest times. Wanting to be someone Pidge could look up to, Lance (and with  the help of Hunk) stopped cutting soon after meeting them.

Now though, with this much pressure on him, all he had felt was the _need, need, need._ And it had felt amazing. Felt amazing to be without any kind of tension, to be relaxed. It seemed like it was impossible for him to be relaxed nowadays. He was like a rubber band, pulled too taut, yet no one around him knew when he was going to snap. When he was going to snap. It seemed like no one bothered to read him. No one bothered to pay attention to him, although he didn’t blame them. He wasn’t very special. Sometimes Lance forgot that he was an actual person, and not just a toy. It sure felt like all of the other paladins played him.

Knowing he couldn’t just stay in his room all day, he mentally picked up the pieces he could find of himself. His sanity was barely clinging onto him. He could already feel it in his bones. Today wasn’t going to be a good day. Grabbing a new shirt and pants, he quickly changed. Couldn’t keep the team waiting longer than they already were. They wouldn’t let him hear the end of it. Lance stopped short.

After what he had said to all of them the other day, he would be surprised if they said anything to him at all. After all, none of them had come to see him last night, despite being in the room for over seven hours. Maybe he really was just a placeholder. Wouldn’t surprised him. Making sure his shirt was a longsleeve, he changed rather quickly, along with his pants. He didn't bother with his morning routine, after all his handsome face could last a day without it. He wanted to see the others quickly.

\------

Lance didn’t know what he was expecting when he entered what he liked to call the “Chill room.” He hadn’t been expecting much, but the looks of disgust, of anger, of hatred were nowhere near what his heart had been anticipating. It made him want to curl in on himself.

 _I did this. I caused these looks._ The idea itself made him want to throw up.

“I. Good morning.” His voice was quiet. He knew it was. He could barely hear himself over the loudness of his heart. The _boom-boom-boom_ of his heart was hurting him. The looks in their eyes didn't change, He smiled awkwardly. He could do this. He could apologize. “Guys, I’m so sorry. I didn’t- Yesterday- I wasn’t meaning to be so rude. I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry. Forgive me.” He couldn’t look in their direction. The way Shiro’s face twisted in annoyance and distrust. The way Keith, just looked like himself. The way Hunk looked so sad and pained. The way Pidge wouldn’t even look at him.

“I just. Wanted to apologize. For yesterday.” He laughed nervously, trying to smile as best he can. This wasn’t going the way he wanted it to. Definitely wasn’t. “I. I’ll just be going. I’ll be back for training If, if we’re still doing it. Today.” His voice didn’t crack. He was still smiling. He knew the others wouldn’t forgive that easily. After all, what he said had hurt not only him, but Pidge, Shiro, Hunk. And Keith couldn’t really stand him the beginning. He couldn’t blame him.

Lance knew it was time to leave when he got no response to his apology or for anything else he had said. With a sigh of resignation, he began his walk of shame to the cafeteria, where he would get his plate of green gloop for the day, despite not being hungry at all. “I gotta eat or else Hunk is going to…” Ah, it was too late for that. He was already mad. “Ah… I really screwed up this time.” He knew it was only a matter of time before they were done with him. If he could barely stand himself, how could he expect others to talk to him normally.

A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder, surprising Lance from his thoughts. He turned his head, his eyes widening. He didn't know who he was expecting, but Keith definitely wasn't at the top of his list.

\---------------------

“Hey.” Keith looked uncomfortable. Lance had never felt so happy to have someone talk to him, much less that person being Keith.

“H-hey.” Lance didn't want to mess this up, too. He couldn't afford to. “I. I really am sorry, you know?” He said softly. The heaviness of his mistakes were weighing down on his shoulders.

“I know. Although I wasn't there, I heard a lot of what you said from Shiro.”

“I'm really horrible, aren't I?” He needed reassurance. He wasn't horrible. _Don't agree with me._

“What you did was pretty bad,” Keith conceded. Lance’s heart dropped, as his did awkward smile. Keith noticed it, quickly adding, “but you're not a horrible person.” Keith had no idea how to comfort a sad Lance, considering he could barely handle a happy Lance.

The thought struck as odd to him. How long had he been like this? Keith tried to remember, but soon realized he had never been paying attention enough to notice anything out of the normal. He had been so involved with the Galra and the ongoing battles, he had never taken the time to notice Lance. Or any of the others, really.

“Lance. Give them a little bit of time alright? Everything will get better.” Keith smiled as best he could, despite the horrifying realization he had just came to.

Lance really wanted to believe him. So he did. He gave a small smile, before taking his plate to the table to eat alone.

Keith let him.

\----

Days turned into weeks. After the first day, Lance stopped coming out of his room. The ship had made several wormhole trips, so he wasn’t particularly worried about the galra catching up to the them. The energy to get out of his room had just left him. He didn’t know what he would make when he saw the other paladins. Would he cry?  Would he able to smile? He didn’t know and didn’t want to find out.

He broke his promise to both Pidge and Hunk multiple times in the past days. The sting of the cuts were still there, reminding him every second of the days of what he had done to his own body, despite telling himself all those years ago he wouldn’t do it again. How could he expect the other paladins to trust him, to trust his promises, when he couldn’t even keep one this simple.

But he should have known the quiet would only last so long.

The loud alarm rang out, startling Lance. The Galra were attacking. Lance quickly changed out of the clothes that he had been wearing for the past week - he lost _all_ motivation, alright? - and quickly put on the uniform that was set for battle.

Apparently everyone else was in their lions, Allura and Coran in their own battle stations. He gave a quick nod to Allura, who was watching him in surprise. She must have thought he was already in the hangar. He was supposed to be, but he had run a little late. At least that’s what he would say. He really just wanted some extra space between him and the other paladins before they had to form voltron. Just a few extra seconds before he had to face everyone, so he could gather his bearings.

Lance thought it would be fine. He would climb into the hangar of Blue and everyone would be okay. They would take out the Galra fleet that was currently attacking them while keeping the castle intact.

Lance climbed into Blue, smiling softly as her familiar aura rumbled through him, as she set off. He had always felt so calm inside her. “I’m sorry for neglecting you these past few days, girl. I promise to come visit you more often.” And this promise he was going to keep.

Lance watched as he rushed out of the castle, going to help Hunk fight the three galra ships that were going after him. He shot an ice blast at two of them, going for the last one with a laser beam. He expected a “Thanks, buddy!” from Hunk, but instead, he received an apology. Lance laughed it off, ignoring the way his face heated up. “What’re you apologizing for, bud? We’ve still got Galra ships to take care of!” Hunk’s noise of affirmation caused a smile to slowly form on his face. They were back.

“Nice of you to join us, Lance.” Shiro’s voice filtered in, making Lance tense. But noticing there was nothing malicious in the tone, he relaxed.

“Good to be back. Good to be back.” He grinned, going after a few more Galra ships. But then, he slowly realized why he was getting so happy. He needed their approval to be happy. He frowned deeply, shaking his head. He couldn’t be thinking of that now. But it was still there. He hadn’t suddenly gotten better at fighting. He wasn’t suddenly amazing, enough so that the team needed him. He was just something that made things easier, just a little bit unbearable.

“Alright! Let’s form Voltron!” Shiro ordered.

And that’s where it all went downhill.

The moment everyone combined, Lance’s negativity was released. “What the fuck is that?!” Pidge ground out, their breathing harsh. “Lance, is that you?” No one in their lions could move.

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

“Shut up!” Lance screamed. “Get out of my head! Get out, get out, get out!”

“We can’t work like this! Everyone, split apart!” Shiro’s voice came in through. Everyone split apart, disoriented from the amount of pain they had all just experienced.

“Lance, we’ll talk about this later, but for now, we need to defeat this guy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all of the kudos! i was so surprised to see 100+ of them! and thanks for the comments too!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr: https://wherethestarsdontshine.tumblr.com/


	3. Not A Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An announcement!

Hello everyone! I know that I've been promising the next chapter for a while, but the way I wrote this story kind of bothers me, after rereading it a couple of times.

And with this in mind, I've decided to rewrite it. I'm going to edit + add a bit more to the chapters and hopefully make it better! Thank you for reading my story!

**Author's Note:**

> i'll be back with another chapter soon! maybe in 2 weeks time. maybe sooner.


End file.
